When things aren't quite right...

I'm not feeling very well at the moment.

It seems to be classic head cold symptoms - runny nose (clear), major congestion and sinus pain, scratchy throat (thankfully no pain and only a cough every now and again) and fatigue.  Oh, the fatigue.  I am absolutely exhausted.  I seem to be sleeping well and deeply, but when I wake up, I am still bone-deep tired.

I don't think it is a head cold - and the cold and flu tablets don't seem to be making a difference.

I started having the symptoms towards the middle of last year.  A trip to the doctors diagnosed hayfever and allergies, including asthma (although I was still able to exercise).  A round of asthma inhalers, nasal steroids and anti-histamines seemed to help, but still didn't get rid of it entirely.

I think eventually I just learnt to live with it.  It got better, but not 100% so I brushed it to one side and forgot about it.  The medication did not seem to be helping things at all, so in January of this year, after giving it a good six months to work, I stopped the medication.  The Doctors were not very helpful at all - at no point did they suggest a specialist, or allergy tests or looking into things in more detail.  It was all quick fix, take a pill, thanks very much and see you later.

Quite disappointing.

I ended up demanding an allergy test - which they did, but it came back inconclusive.  So that didn't answer anything.

And so I forgot about it.

Until this week.  It was probably the fatigue that hit first.  Waking up in the morning after a good 7-8 hours and feeling like I have been hit by a bus.  No aches and pains, just so incredibly tired.  I have been eating fairly healthy and exercising to moderation (nothing too heavy) so it is really not making sense.

Then I woke up yesterday and the cold symptoms had kicked in.  My nose was completely blocked and I couldn't breathe.  It was giving me a sinus headache and just made me feel like sh*t.

In my heart of hearts - I know it's not a cold.

But I am also not convinced it's allergies either.

To be honest, I am at my wits end.  I just want to wake up and jump out of bed and feel at least 80-90%.  Not even 100% - I would settle for just feeling moderately human at this stage.  I don't know what's wrong.  It takes all my energy just to hang a load of washing.

I don't have much faith in our medical system.  You have to wait for hours for a five minute consultation where you just don't feel like they are listening to you, and walk out with no answers and no sense of care or concern.  As someone who has worked in the professional services industry as a lawyer - I find this incredibly disappointing.  I understand they have a busy workload, and they are probably looking at me thinking - 'she's a healthy young girl, there can't be anything wrong' - but that really is no excuse.

I have been talking to a lady at work who has recommended a naturopath nearby.  I have seen naturopaths before, and felt like they just wanted to create problems to justify the ridiculous amounts of expensive supplements they insist you need.  But I am so desperate now that I am willing to give it a go.  And this guy apparently is reviewed as being a bit of a 'witch doctor', apparently able to just look at a patient and diagnose what is wrong.

So tomorrow - I am going to make an appointment and give it a go.

After all - at this stage, what have I got to lose?

Fit July

It's July 2.

Halfway through the year already - and I can't believe how far this year has already gone!

Part of me feels like I have accomplished so much:

1. I completed my first full sprint triathlon (and ended up doing a second one).
2. I did a full triathlon season. 
3. I am managing to keep a relatively stable weight - around 61kg (would prefer 60kg because I like nice rounded numbers, but it seems my body has other ideas!). 
4. I have reached out to people who can help me - both in training terms and career-wise and am making goals in those directions. 

But, I also have so much more I want to do!

1. Run a half marathon. 
2. Learn about macros and nutrition for endurance training. 
3. Eat clean - and by eat I mean cook too!
4. Learn to swim properly. 
5. Reconnect with my faith. 
6. Discover my career - what I want to do and where. 

I think I am on track.  I have these goals and big ideas.  Now I need to start to break it down into sizable 'chunks' that I can aim towards and work for.  The theory makes sense but whether I can make it work for me (and by making it work I mean putting in place a plan I can stick to and be motivated to work towards) is something else entirely!

Let's start with Fit July. 

Let's break it into manageable chunks!

Goals for July - in line with the overarching goals above:

Half marathon

I will sign up for the City to Surf Half Marathon - by 10 July. 

I will register to raise funds for RSPCA - by 10 July. 

I will stick to the training plan developed for me - throughout July. 

I will participate in two 10km events - 7 July (WAMC Women's Classic) and 28 July (Fremantle Fun Run). 

Macros and nutrients and eat/clean cook

I have signed up for Kitchen Bootcamp with the lovely Tatum.  This lady is so inspiring - four kids, accomplished professional businesswoman and runs marathons on a regular basis!  Major girl crush right there!  And I am hoping over the next few weeks to learn how to eat more sustainably (in season), clean (make my own sauces and flavouring) and 'upskill' on nutrients, macros and portion sizes!

In other words - have my pasta and enjoy it!

Swim

I know I need to work on all aspects of triathlon, but I am mostly conscious that swimming is by far my weakest leg.  I can swim, just not particularly well, or for long periods of time.  I also struggle to swim in open water. 

So - I have researched and joined my local swim squad.  I have been to a total of two sessions though, since joining two weeks ago.  I didn't go at all last week, unfortunately, I let life get in the way - my warm bed, work, those few extra minutes sleep in.  

I am recommitting now - two sessions per week.  No matter how cold it is.  No matter how tired I am.  

I have bought myself new bathers as extra motivation.  And I have one of hubby's big warm jumpers to wear before and afterwards. 

Faith

This is a tough one.  I have been to the churches near me and to be honest I have not felt a huge connection.  

I am going to have to think about this and brainstorm some more on what exactly I am looking for and where I can best achieve that. 

Career

I am finally feeling some direction here in terms of where I want to be and how to get there.  I have been seeing a Career Counsellor and have put together my CV and started to apply for jobs. 

I have my first interview on Thursday - that in itself is quite exciting and I am looking forward to the opportunity.  Even if it is not what I am looking for, it will be good to get some focus and get out there!

So - now I just need to stay accountable.  To myself.

How am I going to do that?

With instagram.  With this blog.  With my family. 

Anyone else setting some mid-year goals?

Where to from here?

There's a lot going on in my head right now. 

Like work - and where I want to go with my career, who I want to be, whether I even want to be a lawyer anymore?  

It's only 11 days until I hit the big "3-0" (not that I'm counting) and although, in all honesty, I am not particularly scared about entering my 30's, I guess in some respects I thought I would be more 'together' now than what I am.  I guess I thought I would already be at Senior Associate level (although now I'm not sure that is where I want to go).  I guess I thought we would have bought our second investment property (although now we don't know where we want to live, or what lifestyle we want to have).  And I truly thought I would have been more involved in my community and starting to give something back by now, but I am still very selfish and focused on me.   

And my health - struggling to eat healthy each day and exercise.  

It seems like such a trivial thing - don't pick up the cupcake/biscuit/packet of chips.  Get out of bed when the alarm goes off.  But in reality - I'm struggling.  Struggling not to binge eat when my husband is away.  Struggling to get out of bed when the alarm goes off at 5am and go exercise.  

It's now exactly four weeks until I have my second go at a Sprint Distance Triathlon and whilst I am scared it will be even more of a failure than last time - what am I doing about it??  At the moment - nothing. 

And I hate myself for it. 

So what can I do?

What should I do?

Well - for starters, I pulled together my resume and sent it off to some prospective employers.  Even if I never hear from them again, at least I know that I am starting to be more proactive about things, instead of just passively letting life happen to me instead. 

And health-wise?

I came across this little gem from @vmfitness on instagram - a daily source of inspiration and reality:

"What to do when you fall off the fit wagon:

1. Drink lots of water.
2. Don't start tomorrow or next week - start with your next meal.
3. Get back to regular exercise.
4. Eat healthy, but don't restrict.
5. Set achievable goals.
6. Plan for success.
7. Put the plan to action.
8. Don't be hard on yourself.
9. Learn from it - and how to avoid downfalls in the future."

Sounds like good advice to me. 

So - starting fresh tomorrow I commit to:

1. Drinking lots of water - I will fill up my 2L jug at work and will not leave until that sucker is empty!
2. Getting up at 5am and go for a run with Shera Dog - I will set two alarms so that it is more difficult to hit 'snooze'!
3. Eating healthy, nourishing food that fuels my body (I have a client lunch tomorrow so this may be interesting)!
4. Posting regularly (as in throughout the day) on instagram - to hold myself accountable!

See you tomorrow

Jxxx

You inspire me...

In the last couple of weeks I have noticed a few things happening:
1. I have been really struggling to eat properly, exercise and balance work with life.
2. I have had many internal debates with myself at 5am when the alarm goes off about why I should JFDI.
3. I have lost many of these debates.
4. I have gained nearly 2kg since before Christmas, and although I have managed to drop most of it, the last 500g is hanging around like a bad smell.
5. I am not feeling motivated - to do anything.

6. And this...

And these aren't the only ones.  A friend at work has started going for jogs in her lunch break (but won't let me join her until she has improved her running pace - as she is worried about 'holding me back').  Another girlfriend wants to start running with me after work so that I can push her to improve her pace outdoors.  My brother's girlfriend (who suffers from really bad eczema and who I have repeatedly told to give up cow's milk and see if that makes a difference - I also suffer from bad eczema and found that worked for me!) recently told me that she cleaned up her eating, and whilst it has been really hard to give up cheese she is trying to go 'no cow's milk' and has noticed her skin starting to clear up dramatically.

So...
It turns out that although I am internally struggling with how to deal with everything - I inspire people.

WTF????

Clearly I did not get that memo.

Don't get me wrong - I love that I am having a positive impact on other people's lives, especially through a lead by example philosophy, because I certainly have not been preaching a clean eating lifestyle!  I talk to people about it when they ask (as in Exhibit A above which resulted from a holiday with friends over New Years).  Or I try to provide helpful advice when asked how I have handled things (as in talking with my brother's girlfriend).  But I have never bashed people over the head with my way of life or thinking.

Now I am feeling the pressure of having to live up to expectations.  And it scares the sh*t out of me.

I am by no means perfect - at all.

And I must admit the thought that people are looking up to me as an example of fitness and healthy living is pretty scary.  What happens if I fail?  What happens if I don't live up to other people's expectations?  What happens if I have a beer (which will happen), or a 'cheat meal' (which is a given), or end up binge eating (which is a distinct possibility)?

Will people hate me?  Will I lose followers on IG?  Will it affect what I am doing?  In reality do I (and should I) care?

I try to lead by example.  And I will continue to try.  Ultimately I am doing this for me.  To live my best life.  To be healthy.  To be the best version of me that I can possibly be.  If I fall down, I will get back up.  To me, that is the most important thing.

And if I continue to inspire people along the way, both in how to live a healthy life, and how to get back up when you fall down - well I guess that is a good thing!

Sometimes LIFE just gets in the way...

For anyone doing the 12wbt, you will know that part of the warm-up tasks in pre-season is to write down all the excuses that normally prevent you from eating/exercising/living healthy, and strategies for coping and getting past those hurdles when they inevitably arise.

My excuses are nothing too exciting - I'm too busy, too tired, not motivated, etc...
All excuses.  All things I can realistically overcome in order to live the healthy life I know I should.

But this last week - was a crisis week!

One of those weeks, where LIFE really and truly got in the way, tripped me up and then decided to stick the boot in whilst I was down.

It started on Tuesday.  I had been really good and busy on the weekend exercise-wise, so Monday was my rest day.  In hindsight, I should have JFDI because little was I to know that LIFE was about to jump out and completely sabotage everything in the next 48 hours.

Tuesday night our area had a huge storm - thunder, lightning, hail, the works. Our house flooded.  At one point, hubby was out the front in his wetsuit, literally digging trenches to try and avert the flood that was coming in the front door.  I was in our bedroom mopping buckets and buckets of water, which it turns out was coming in from the roof (which was supposedly replaced earlier in the year following similar weather, but now turns out not to Council regulations, or any kind of regulations!!).

Our house is habitable (now), but we have no flooring, and hope there is no more freak summer storms headed our way in the next month or so whist the insurance sorts it all out. 

So, needless to say, exercise for the rest of the week as a definite non-event (along with other things, such as this blog).

But sometimes these things happen.  Sometimes, LIFE needs to happen, if only to put things in perspective and remind you what is important, what is worth stressing about, what is within your control to change.

For me, the lesson I have learnt this week?  Excuses are exactly that - excuses.  These are the reasons why you do/don't do something, that are within your power and control.  The things you can change.  LIFE is a little more transcendent.  LIFE tends to take control for you, if only to remind you that you can't be 'in control' all the time, but also to appreciate the areas that you can control.  This week, I have learnt a little bit more how to 'roll with the punches', how to pick myself up from something outside my control and get back on the wagon. 

And I have and I did.  And on Sunday I ran my second triathlon for the year.  But that's a story for another time!!

Binge eating

Now, I am not going to go into the scientifics of binge eating, except to say that it is recognised in psychology fields as a legitimate eating disorder - and it doesn't necessarily have to involve a purge (as with bulimia).  What I mean to say is, non-purging bulimia (ie binge without the purge) is a recognised eating disorder that affects a lot of people.

Characteristics vary, but the main theme seems to be a binge session (which can be anything from turning a 'cheat/treat' meal into a day, to a full-out binge eating everything in sight), followed by feelings of guilt, self recrimination, promises to yourself to do better, promises to start again tomorrow.

The wonderfully motivating and inspiring VMFitness recently covered this very issue on her blog.  It goes into the science and psychology of it, along with her own personal journey and some personal tips on dealing with it.  I think the article and references is pretty good and comprehensive, so I won't go into the details here.

So why mention it?

I have been a binge eater.  It was one of the main reasons why I signed up for 12wbt in the first place - to work on my mindset.  My binges would primarily happen when my husband went to work, most often on the first day he was gone (definitely some emotional issues there).

The eating side of it would involve junk food, fast food, takeaway, larger than normal portions, things I knew I shouldn't be eating (ie cheese) - McDonalds, Hungry Jacks, pizza, nachos.
The behaviour side of it would involve feelings of guilt and major self recrimination - having seen the signs in a textbook I would even say bordering on depression.  Sometimes I would even cry whilst eating, knowing that what I was doing was so bad for me, but feeling out of control to stop.
Following the binge, I would hide the evidence so my husband wouldn't find out (or friends and family), promising myself that tomorrow would be better, promising myself that I would go to the gym tomorrow and work it off.

It is really hard to write this post, and even harder to publish it - probably because I am still in a bit of denial about telling other people what I used to do, and also because I still struggle with the urge to binge on a regular basis.  I am doing this so that others can know they are not alone, and hopefully gain some perspective and assistance to get help or help themselves.

I struggle everyday.  12wbt has taught me how to plan ahead - 'fail to plan, plan to fail' - is one of the more potent messages that I have learnt from the program.  And for me it is so true.  If I don't plan my meals, and my shopping, the urge to binge becomes almost overwhelming.  And I still struggle.  I won't say that I have perfected it - I have still had the odd binge, even in the last week.  These days I binge on more healthier food options but it is still a binge (ie larger portion sizes of my meals).

I am working every day to be the best version of me, to live by the ethos that 'my body is a temple' and should be treated as such.  I know that whenever you fall off the wagon you should pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and jump back on.

And I am doing that.

And each time, the length of time from when I last fell off gets a little bit longer and it gets a little bit easier to hang on and keep going.

I am a work in progress.

JFDI

I'm writing this as I sit on the train - heading home after a long day at work. It's 6.30pm here and I had scheduled my 12wbt workout for on the way home. Toning today - which I really need to do to try and gain some much needed muscle definition!!

It's hard. I really should have done it this morning as I struggle with motivation generally, but even more at the end of the day. I'm tired. My stomach is growling at me like a tiger. I have about a million excuses running through my head about why I should just go home and cook dinner and go to bed. I know in my heart of hearts that these are just excuses. I know that motivation is like a bad boyfriend - never there when you need it. I know I have to really flex my willpower muscle to succeed in this. And I know that ultimately I can do it.

But damn it's hard!

My husband (who works FIFO) flew out today and I always find the first day the hardest. Both in terms of eating healthy and exercising. The easy way out (takeaway and straight home to the couch) sounds so appealing right now!!

I know I should suck it up and JFDI. I know I should stick to my goals and my commitment to myself. I know I will feel better if I do my workout then cook a healthy meal, instead of the guilt and self recrimination if I don't.

But it's still hard.

The internal battle will rage until I'm in the car and parking at the gym. It won't really go away until I start the warm up and then it will flip into 'well I might as well carry on now'.

But it's still hard.

I will go to the gym.
I will do my workout.
I will try and burn as close to 500 calories as I can.
I will succeed.
I will JFDI.

[editors note: for anyone interested I did go to the gym.  And between you, me and the lampost - I kicked ass!! 355 calorie burn (not bad for a weights session) and then home to cook a healthy Thai Larb with turkey mince.  Feeling just a little bit proud of myself right now ;)]