Binge eating

Now, I am not going to go into the scientifics of binge eating, except to say that it is recognised in psychology fields as a legitimate eating disorder - and it doesn't necessarily have to involve a purge (as with bulimia).  What I mean to say is, non-purging bulimia (ie binge without the purge) is a recognised eating disorder that affects a lot of people.

Characteristics vary, but the main theme seems to be a binge session (which can be anything from turning a 'cheat/treat' meal into a day, to a full-out binge eating everything in sight), followed by feelings of guilt, self recrimination, promises to yourself to do better, promises to start again tomorrow.

The wonderfully motivating and inspiring VMFitness recently covered this very issue on her blog.  It goes into the science and psychology of it, along with her own personal journey and some personal tips on dealing with it.  I think the article and references is pretty good and comprehensive, so I won't go into the details here.

So why mention it?

I have been a binge eater.  It was one of the main reasons why I signed up for 12wbt in the first place - to work on my mindset.  My binges would primarily happen when my husband went to work, most often on the first day he was gone (definitely some emotional issues there).

The eating side of it would involve junk food, fast food, takeaway, larger than normal portions, things I knew I shouldn't be eating (ie cheese) - McDonalds, Hungry Jacks, pizza, nachos.
The behaviour side of it would involve feelings of guilt and major self recrimination - having seen the signs in a textbook I would even say bordering on depression.  Sometimes I would even cry whilst eating, knowing that what I was doing was so bad for me, but feeling out of control to stop.
Following the binge, I would hide the evidence so my husband wouldn't find out (or friends and family), promising myself that tomorrow would be better, promising myself that I would go to the gym tomorrow and work it off.

It is really hard to write this post, and even harder to publish it - probably because I am still in a bit of denial about telling other people what I used to do, and also because I still struggle with the urge to binge on a regular basis.  I am doing this so that others can know they are not alone, and hopefully gain some perspective and assistance to get help or help themselves.

I struggle everyday.  12wbt has taught me how to plan ahead - 'fail to plan, plan to fail' - is one of the more potent messages that I have learnt from the program.  And for me it is so true.  If I don't plan my meals, and my shopping, the urge to binge becomes almost overwhelming.  And I still struggle.  I won't say that I have perfected it - I have still had the odd binge, even in the last week.  These days I binge on more healthier food options but it is still a binge (ie larger portion sizes of my meals).

I am working every day to be the best version of me, to live by the ethos that 'my body is a temple' and should be treated as such.  I know that whenever you fall off the wagon you should pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and jump back on.

And I am doing that.

And each time, the length of time from when I last fell off gets a little bit longer and it gets a little bit easier to hang on and keep going.

I am a work in progress.