Where to from here?

There's a lot going on in my head right now. 

Like work - and where I want to go with my career, who I want to be, whether I even want to be a lawyer anymore?  

It's only 11 days until I hit the big "3-0" (not that I'm counting) and although, in all honesty, I am not particularly scared about entering my 30's, I guess in some respects I thought I would be more 'together' now than what I am.  I guess I thought I would already be at Senior Associate level (although now I'm not sure that is where I want to go).  I guess I thought we would have bought our second investment property (although now we don't know where we want to live, or what lifestyle we want to have).  And I truly thought I would have been more involved in my community and starting to give something back by now, but I am still very selfish and focused on me.   

And my health - struggling to eat healthy each day and exercise.  

It seems like such a trivial thing - don't pick up the cupcake/biscuit/packet of chips.  Get out of bed when the alarm goes off.  But in reality - I'm struggling.  Struggling not to binge eat when my husband is away.  Struggling to get out of bed when the alarm goes off at 5am and go exercise.  

It's now exactly four weeks until I have my second go at a Sprint Distance Triathlon and whilst I am scared it will be even more of a failure than last time - what am I doing about it??  At the moment - nothing. 

And I hate myself for it. 

So what can I do?

What should I do?

Well - for starters, I pulled together my resume and sent it off to some prospective employers.  Even if I never hear from them again, at least I know that I am starting to be more proactive about things, instead of just passively letting life happen to me instead. 

And health-wise?

I came across this little gem from @vmfitness on instagram - a daily source of inspiration and reality:

"What to do when you fall off the fit wagon:

1. Drink lots of water.
2. Don't start tomorrow or next week - start with your next meal.
3. Get back to regular exercise.
4. Eat healthy, but don't restrict.
5. Set achievable goals.
6. Plan for success.
7. Put the plan to action.
8. Don't be hard on yourself.
9. Learn from it - and how to avoid downfalls in the future."

Sounds like good advice to me. 

So - starting fresh tomorrow I commit to:

1. Drinking lots of water - I will fill up my 2L jug at work and will not leave until that sucker is empty!
2. Getting up at 5am and go for a run with Shera Dog - I will set two alarms so that it is more difficult to hit 'snooze'!
3. Eating healthy, nourishing food that fuels my body (I have a client lunch tomorrow so this may be interesting)!
4. Posting regularly (as in throughout the day) on instagram - to hold myself accountable!

See you tomorrow

Jxxx

You inspire me...

In the last couple of weeks I have noticed a few things happening:
1. I have been really struggling to eat properly, exercise and balance work with life.
2. I have had many internal debates with myself at 5am when the alarm goes off about why I should JFDI.
3. I have lost many of these debates.
4. I have gained nearly 2kg since before Christmas, and although I have managed to drop most of it, the last 500g is hanging around like a bad smell.
5. I am not feeling motivated - to do anything.

6. And this...

And these aren't the only ones.  A friend at work has started going for jogs in her lunch break (but won't let me join her until she has improved her running pace - as she is worried about 'holding me back').  Another girlfriend wants to start running with me after work so that I can push her to improve her pace outdoors.  My brother's girlfriend (who suffers from really bad eczema and who I have repeatedly told to give up cow's milk and see if that makes a difference - I also suffer from bad eczema and found that worked for me!) recently told me that she cleaned up her eating, and whilst it has been really hard to give up cheese she is trying to go 'no cow's milk' and has noticed her skin starting to clear up dramatically.

So...
It turns out that although I am internally struggling with how to deal with everything - I inspire people.

WTF????

Clearly I did not get that memo.

Don't get me wrong - I love that I am having a positive impact on other people's lives, especially through a lead by example philosophy, because I certainly have not been preaching a clean eating lifestyle!  I talk to people about it when they ask (as in Exhibit A above which resulted from a holiday with friends over New Years).  Or I try to provide helpful advice when asked how I have handled things (as in talking with my brother's girlfriend).  But I have never bashed people over the head with my way of life or thinking.

Now I am feeling the pressure of having to live up to expectations.  And it scares the sh*t out of me.

I am by no means perfect - at all.

And I must admit the thought that people are looking up to me as an example of fitness and healthy living is pretty scary.  What happens if I fail?  What happens if I don't live up to other people's expectations?  What happens if I have a beer (which will happen), or a 'cheat meal' (which is a given), or end up binge eating (which is a distinct possibility)?

Will people hate me?  Will I lose followers on IG?  Will it affect what I am doing?  In reality do I (and should I) care?

I try to lead by example.  And I will continue to try.  Ultimately I am doing this for me.  To live my best life.  To be healthy.  To be the best version of me that I can possibly be.  If I fall down, I will get back up.  To me, that is the most important thing.

And if I continue to inspire people along the way, both in how to live a healthy life, and how to get back up when you fall down - well I guess that is a good thing!